I just finished reading a book that I highly recommend to all people, but especially to those of you who have been touched by adoption. I loved reading Lucky Girl by Mei-Ling Hopgood. It was so refreshing to read a POSITIVE memoir written by an adult adoptee. After reading The Language of Blood by Jane Jeong Trenka, I was concerned about my parenting abilities and concerned about my children. I had a hard time understanding Jane's adoptive parents and their choices. Mei-Ling's experiences and attitude were so different than Jane's. Her adoptive parents were so supportive, caring, and kind. I definitely hope my daughters are experiencing childhood as Mei-Ling experienced hers and NOT as Jane experienced her childhood.
Anyway, Lucky Girl is a nice break from the "why me" and blame passing that is so common in memoirs. Mei-Ling was born in Taiwan in 1970 and adopted by an American couple after the parents in Taiwan decided they couldn't take care of another daughter (she was the fifth daughter). I thought it was interesting that they couldn't keep their daughter, but did adopt a boy months before Mei-Ling was born.
Mei-Ling finds out about her biological family when the nun who arranged her adoption sends her a letter. She was not actively seeking to find them and it takes her awhile to decide she actually wants to meet them. Her adoptive parents were very supportive and offered to go to Taiwan with her.
In the book, Mei-Ling talks about the many visits with her biological family, the good relationship she has with her adoptive parents, her visits with her sister in Switzerland, and some of her thoughts about being raised in Michigan.
I love Mei-Ling's attitude. She dealt with a lot of tragedy and pain within her adoptive family and her biological family. Her attitude was always positive and she never seemed to be a victim of her circumstances. I would love to meet her someday. I hope and pray my girls develop her same positive outlook.
Here is just one quote from the book that struck me:
"I sometimes resented people's assumption that adoptees automatically, deep down, feel part empty or abandoned, that we must suffer some hole in us that will never be filled because our birth parents could not or did not raise us. I know people think this. I know because psychologists and adoption experts write essays and books about it. I know because of the questions people ask ('Did you always know you were adopted?' 'How did you feel about that?') as if being adopted might mean you are somehow incomplete.
I also understand that adopted parents worry a lot about this. I've talked to parents who pine and mourn for their child's birth mother and father and fret over whether their baby will despair at not being able to know for find their birth family.
...Ultimately, I think people tend to forget that on a basic level our relationships with our adopted parents are normal parent-child relationships. The only difference is how we became parent and child...It's not biology that defines the relationship..."
Thank-you Mei-Ling. Thank-you for being honest. Thank-you for being positive. Thank-you for giving me hope.
2 comments:
"I think people tend to forget that on a basic level our relationships with our adopted parents are normal parent-child relationships."
Having a family through adoption is normal. What causes circumstances to become so tragic that adoption is actually needed - abnormal.
I've read both books, like you. My first memoir experience was Lucky Girl, although about 2-3 weeks later I ordered Language of Blood too.
I agreed with some aspects of Lucky Girl and disagreed with some others. But her experience was incredibly different from mine.
I discussed this in a blog post (too lazy to link back through 2 months' worth of archives) with Korean adoptee Jae-Ran and we both came to the same conclusion: that Lucky Girl is not necessarily a representation of international adoption in itself, but that her own personal experience added to the title. And it's understandable given what her family background was in Taiwan. If I had been in her shoes and experienced a similar outcome, I'd be calling myself a lucky girl too.
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
"I thought it was interesting that they couldn't keep their daughter, but did adopt a boy months before Mei-Ling was born."
Except that the adopted boy didn't end up turning out at all what Mei-Ling's father expected.
END SPOILER
"The only difference is how we became parent and child...It's not biology that defines the relationship..."
She's right. Biology does not always define the relationship. But biology is the basic foundation for a lot of families out there.
Admitting that there is a biological relationship between mother and daughter doesn't have to seem so threatening.
"I sometimes resented people's assumption that adoptees automatically, deep down, feel part empty or abandoned, that we must suffer some hole in us that will never be filled because our birth parents could not or did not raise us."
I agree and disagree on this. Mei-Ling has obviously heard of the blogosphere or heard of the adoptee panels and conferences that take place to 'guide' adoptive parents.
I can understand that not all adoptees feel loss, or that they want to mourn their biological parents. I don't believe in the primal wound, because by nature, it generalizes ALL adoptees and makes us sound like we are "broken" and I do not believe that is fair.
I have also seen some of Mei-Ling's interviews with people online, and she says something which aggravates me:
"As long as you take care of your children, love them, clothe them, support them, they will know who their real parents are."
Now, I understand that many adoptees feel differently. I get that, I really do. I myself used to believe there could only be one set of 'real' parents - the adoptive ones. Mei-Ling has her opinion on this and so do I. They are not the same opinion.
What I interpreted from that was that 'birthparents' are "less than." They are not 'real' parents because they did not raise the child.
I almost, almost get that sentiment because in many cases of adoption it is completely true. But I resent the notion that just because someone is adopted, it doesn't mean their birthparents cannot possible love them just as much as their adoptive parents do.
I despise the idea that one set of parents has to be more 'real' and loving than the other.
There should be no need for a contest, memoir or not.
(Note: I'm not sure if you linked to my blog, or someone else stumbled across it, since I have never come to your blog before - but for future purposes, I am not Mei-Ling Hopgood.)
I found this book because of your blog post about it. Thank you for sharing. It struck many chords with me, Chinese adoption being only one. I haven't had time yet, but I plan to blog more about it soon!
Thanks
Kim
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